Attack in Ottawa Invokes Reactionary Bigotry

As is often the case with ongoing events in the 24-hour news cycle, it took less than a few hours after a shooting happened on Parliament Hill in Ottawa for most of the world to start blaming Fundamentalist Jihadi Muslims for an incident that hasn’t even got a confirmed suspect identity yet.

And while those individuals prone to jumping the gun will point to the suspicious timing, just two days after the Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu soldier was killed by a recently radicalized Islamist and only a day after Canada deployed six F-18 fighter jets to join in the anti-ISIS air campaign, as confirmation that the True North Strong and Free has become the latest nation to find itself the target of anti-Western Muslim Fundamentalist jihad, it is important to remember that nothing of the sort has yet been confirmed.

And it may turn out eventually that the shooter (or shooters, since the police as of this writing have yet to confirm any really substantive details) was (or were) radicalized Islamists seeking to destroy Canadian democracy. This, they cannot accomplish.

As a Canadian, there is one thing I’ve learned and always felt proud of about Canada: This is our country:

As a nation that has done very well for itself due in large part to the contributions of immigrants from all societies and the protected religious rights of those individuals that allows them to flourish and live happily, the only threat to Canadian democracy is the knee-jerk anti-Muslim reaction that casts all Muslims as violent terrorist jihadis.

The National Council of Canadian Muslims has already issued a denunciation of the Quebec attack, and quite without cause, because it wasn’t a member of their council who committed the attack.

It would be no wiser to extrapolate from a few isolated incidents that all Muslims are terrorists than to surmise that all Winnipeggers keep U-haul lockers full of dead babies.

So let’s remember today that what makes Canada really great is its diversity and its tolerance of all people regardless of race, creed, religion, or etc., and the fact that we’re just plain better than those reactionary racists south of the 49th.

It’s The Great Pumpkin Debate, Charlie Brown

‘Tis once again the season of campy-flavored lattes and every other beverage or food item you can conceivably make worse by stuffing it with rendered pumpkin, natural and artificial both. But the year of our lord 2014 brings with it a whole new tier of topically gourd-tinged iconography: pumpkin-spiced civil disobedience!

After strong media reaction to the weak media reaction of the Keene NH Pumpkin Riots contrasted with the strong media reaction to the Ferguson MO Michael Brown Protests exposed the world to a potentially racist media slant, the Inception-level media, police, and pumpkin nightmare spiraled a whole level deeper as protesters found a middle ground in Clayton, MO, by bring pumpkins to their police riots in protest of unwarranted police action.

The Clayton police responded with unwarranted action: protestors were arrested for smashing their pumpkins, or they had their pumpkin taken away and were arrested for intent to smash.

The year of Police Brutality rages on, but at least one issue has been culled to its reasonable conclusion: people are sick of all this pumpkin nonsense. Teens are rioting in the streets, and police just want to be left alone to execute citizens in peace. Go away, pumpkins. This is the last holiday you’ll ruin with your inflammatory spices and your divisive social rhetoric.

And it’s not a pretty ending.

Adrian Peterson Screws Charity, Multiple Partners

The ongoing saga of Adrian Peterson, which began when he confessed to whipping one of his children with a switch, continues to eclipse the embarrassing new lows to which the NFL has already sunk under the scandals involving domestic knockout-artist Ray Rice and alleged waffling liar Commissioner Roger Goodell. Reports have emerged indicating that Peterson, on suspension from the Minnesota Vikings, paid for a hotel room in which he hosted an orgy alleged to have involved four women and two of his brothers (one of whom is said to have been underage at the time) with a credit card for his charity, All Day Incorporated.

If nothing else, the orgy story proves there are at least two ways Peterson can fairly be accused of being a switch hitter.

The allegations, which from the night of the orgy include the always-unsightly rape charge, are only the latest in the scandals involving the bedeviled running back and besmirching the NFL at large. The ongoing outrage at Dan Snyder’s hard-nosed refusal to change the Washington Redskins’ offensive moniker, the continuing allegations of an old boys’ club cover-up of all things domestic abuse, and the crumbling reputation of the league’s own commissioner have all served to undermine the pretty mediocre start of another pretty mediocre NFL season. Although Men’s Health readers will be pleased to note, there are now at least three interesting storylines to talk to their womenfolk about.

Peterson is in the headlines again as prosecutors announced intention to revoke his bond, his freedom for admittedly whipping his children until their skin ripped off, for the gross offense of admitting to having smoked marijuana, continuing the NFL justice tradition that penalizes minor drug offenses more harshly than gross acts of horrific violence. We can only thank goodness that the upright and moral people at Anheuser-Busch stepped in and made certain to state that its alcohol had no business in the same sentence as domestic violence (age verification required).

Reclusive Nation’s Reclusive Leader Baffles World with Excessive Reclusiveness

Much ado is in the process of being made about nothing as the world continues to speculate on the continued absence of Kim Jong Un, who recently missed an important festive celebration in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea this October 10^th, the first time in his three years of unilateral dictatorship he’s failed to mark the anniversary of the founding of the impoverished state’s Orwellian ruling party.

While effective reporting from North Korea is notoriously biased and not necessarily factual, even its domestic KCNA has been unable to produce a public image of the Grand Marshall since September 3, 2014, when he is reported to have attended a concert with his wife.

Speculation in the world’s media has run rampant, with theories ranging from gout to a full-on coup. NK’s diplomats are running amok beseeching the ears of countries unwilling to broach the subject of the hermit nation’s nuclear program. Analysts largely believe that this is counter-indicative to any internal strife, suggesting the likely cause of Kim’s absence, like another noteworthy Kim in the third trimester of her conspicuous pregnancy, the Dear Leader has merely gotten too fat for media availability.

One sympathizes.

This Week In Tragicomedy: Public Toilet Destroys Family

In a week so fraught with North American mass shootings and manhunts and badass French Canadian prison breaks and just general total tragedy, it’s always best to take a moment and remind yourself just how much worse it can possibly get.

You could be in China, for example, where a dropped cell phone killed two and wounded three others.

It seems that after having dropped her pricey cellphone into a cesspit and the open-pit public toilet, a young woman’s gallant husband ventured into the depths to save it, only to succumb immediately to the powerful odor and strong fumes emitting from the knee-deep pool of human excrement.

Witnessing her son suffer such disagreeable fortune, the man’s mother immediately attempted to rescue him, only to bear the same cruel fate.

What followed was a comedy of errors that saw the woman herself and two neighbors leap into the sewage and pass out from the sheer rank musk of a knee-deep pool of baking human shit and piss before other, perhaps wiser neighbors elected to use a rope.

The man and his mother died in hospital from their injuries.

A Long Hot Summer In Tennessee: State Reintroduces The Electric Chair

In light of the recent shortage of lethal injection drugs due to European moral sissyism in the face of proud American state-sanctioned revenge murder, which led to the bad press surrounding the exploding dick induced heart attack execution of Clayton Lockett, Tennessee has reopened the electric chair as a state option for capital punishment.

The good old-fashioned Tennessee barbecue was always a prisoner’s option, one supposes if a prisoner had say a predilection for things fried, but now the state legally has the option to break out the Texas Toaster in lieu of its current modus operandi of death serum cocktail in the case of say a moral boycott on a death penalty state.

One has to applaud Tennessee in its retro fashionability as well as its commitment to American ingenuity. The country doesn’t need any fancy European ‘drugs’. Electricity was invented by Ben Franklin.

Kill American.

NY Police Always Get Their Man

Police in Nassau County, NY, are settling on a $650K payment with a woman after shooting her in the chest in an accidental raid on the wrong apartment.

Mistakenly raiding her apartment in an attempted drug investigation of the woman’s neighbor, police shot Iyanna Davis through her breast, abdomen, and both thighs.

The officer was cleared of any wrongdoing in an internal investigation sealed by confidentiality agreement after claiming that his assault rifle went off accidentally.

Because a New York cop who breaks into a stranger’s apartment without a warrant, drags her out of her closet, starts screaming commands at her, and then shoots her with an assault rifle can’t be accused of having done anything wrong.

Tell us again about your “rights”

Republican Gaybashing Continues: Gays are Hateful Intolerant Nazis

The always entertaining congressman Louie Gohmert (R) out of Texas doesn’t like being called a hater.

Thou shalt not cast aspersions on my asparagus

Recently, Gohmert took time out of his normal schedule of decrying gay marriage on the grounds of bad plumbing and comparing gay marriage straight up to bestiality to defend himself and his fellow anti-Gay Marriage Christians of the accusation of being haters by pointing out that LGBT supporters are totally just intolerant Nazis.

What’s really ball-slappingly confounding about deconstructing Mr. Gohmert’s statements is that he actually mentions and explains psychological projection without even the most remote hint of irony.

Anti-Gay Intolerance must no longer be tolerated, Gohmert says. Which, un-double-negativiized, of course means there’s no room in Gohmertville for gay tolerance.

You know. Just like in Nazi Germany.

Florida Lawmaker: Math and Reading Make You Gay

Florida State Representative Charles van Zant (R, obviously) is in hot water after making disparaging comments toward the homosexual community for essentially no reason.

Just kidding. This happened in March, and nobody even squirmed til the footage hit YouTube this past week.

van Zant was speaking at the Operation Education Conference in Orlando, where he decried the Common Core standardized testing program, which deals with students’ math and reading comprehension, by going on a rant against the LGBT community. Said van Zant:

“These people that will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida, unless this is stopped, will promote double-mindedness in state education and will attract every one of your children to become as homosexual as they possibly can.”

Say what you will about standardized testing, unless it’s about fashion sense and good taste, it’s got nothing to do with being gay. And when did Florida get so backwards that a stupid illiterate child is more desirable than a gay one?

Why is it that they always have the stupidest people in charge of public education? van Zant is really lowering the bar here, and he’s taking it as low as he possibly can.

Elliot Rodger: Ladies’ Man Dies A Virgin

Meet Elliot Rodger: This happy-go-lucky indiviual is suspected to be America’s newest mass murderer, shooting and killing at least six  and wounding seven others in Santa Barbara, California.

The son of a movie director with impressive credits, Mr. Rodger’s YouTube channel (get ’em before they’re gone) contains several videos of the young Lothario bemoaning his virginity and loneliness in spite of his remarkable beauty.

The victims are presumed to be students, and likely young women, as he explains his intended targets in the incriminating video.

@2:05: “On the day of retribution, I am going to enter the hottest sorority house of UCSB, and I will slaughter every single spoiled stuck-up blonde slut I see inside there.”

“enter”. I giggled.

Thankfully, according to all reports, he didn’t get that far. The murders were committed drive-by style (how Californian), although typically not involving the death of the shooter. He is rumored to have engaged in a firefight with police.

Scary stuff, this, and also pretty well slut-shaming gone nuclear. He demonstrates some pretty systemic obsession with women, combined with good old-fashioned possessive sexism:

@4:55: “If I can’t have you girls, I will destroy you.”

Balls-out misogyny notwithstanding, the gentleman’s mental health also has to come into question. This capital downer of a video he posted shows him completely unresponsive to pleasure — “all I have is this, being able to walk in beautiful places like this” he says, sincerely but disdainfully @2:23 — and in this sanctimonious monologue he rages psychotically at the happiness of a couple on the beach.

It’s almost perfect narcissism.

It’s hard to tell what the scariest part of this story is; whether its the systemic woman-hatred built into his psyche, the degeneration of his mental health to the point of brutal indiscriminate slaughter, or that if a good-looking stylish rich kid in SoCal can’t get a girl, then what chance in hell do I have?